August 1, 2024, marked my fifth year of living in Los Angeles. And whether I choose to acknowledge it or NOT, I'm far from OK. Though mentally, I've had to endure such a constant barrage of shame and indoctrination, I can hardly remember a time without to the point where what I feel as immunity is really deafness. 

I am NOT immune.

From here to eternity, every time the 94th Academy Awards Oscar Ceremony comes to mind for anyone young or old, fan, film buff or critic alike, the performance by Will Smith and Chris Rock, whether staged by the actors themselves or a bullheaded moment of egotism, overpowers what I see as the real teachable moment.

Personally, I tend more to believe the former, or at least it is my hope that those in Hollywoodland to whom we have bestowed the ultimate power—that is to shape the dreams and ambitions of our lives and our children’s lives—care deeply enough about our world and are willing to do whatever it takes to call out these problems, even if, in this best-case scenario, it serves as an example of negative role modeling. 

That year at the Oscars, among the five nominees up for Best Actress were Olivia Colman and Penélope Cruz, both Oscar winners, multiple Academy Award winner and Hollywood icon Nicole Kidman, and Kristen Stewart. Tasked that year with the honor of the envelope was one of Hollywood’s all-time most venerable and globally recognized talent, Sir Anthony Hopkins.

Closely watching the clip below, the traumatic effects of the not-so-nice incident between Will Smith and Chris Rock present as a wave of cognitive dissonance as it blasts through the psyche leaving the two hemispheres of the brain at odds with each other. This effect apparent in the delivery of  Mr. Hopkins' introduction is clearly indicative of this internal battle. The right side of the brain struggling to deal with the raw emotional input of freshly occurring traumatic events that will take weeks, months or even years to fully process, while the left side duty-bound, forever the good and faithful servant, presses on.  

Having myself been exposed to serious, debilitating life-altering trauma, that evening, tuned into the live broadcast of the Oscars and witnessing Sir Anthony Hopkins’ disparate attention as he made his introduction, was the first time I was able to identify in someone else my own internal struggle that I know only too well.

Likewise, this profound recognition of my own damage was countered by a validation in Jessica Chastain’s acceptance speech of my own conscious efforts of love, support and activism. And it is these two experiences fused together, the acknowledgement of trauma and the affirmation of purpose that has enabled me to understand the problem that I currently face—and the reason I have decided to tell you my full story.